


Hard To Tell

by yesterdaisy_______57



Category: Real Person Fiction, The Beatles (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 10:17:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20964917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yesterdaisy_______57/pseuds/yesterdaisy_______57
Summary: John's point of view of one of the most pivotal events of his life.





	Hard To Tell

It is hard to keep his eyes open.

New York City comes in flashes in and out between blackness. It is hard to tell how much time has passed between each bright, colourful blur -- sometimes it looks to have been just a few seconds, sometimes it could have been minutes -- years? It reminds him of the Quarry Bank days, drifting between lecture and dreams... He can practically see Pete there next to hm, but it is too hard to concentrate, he can't get in focus... Somewhere his glasses fell off; he suspects they are broken. The only constant sensation he is aware of is a pounding pain in his upper torso, sharp and dull and overwhelming all at once--

God, where is he? He thinks he can hear Mimi's distinct voice somewhere; he tries to make out the words but she still doesn't trust him to handle what she is saying -- fucking hell, Mimi! He has handled so much already, surely. Forty years' worth in crap.

'John...'

John snaps his head to the left (ouch) at the first clear sound he hears -- his wife. He is lying down. The ground is moving but Yoko's dark hair cascades around him, her voice in his ears. Soon enough she swims out of view again into darkness, but not before John suddenly comprehends what is happening. He breathes deeply. His chest throbs. He is calmer than he thought he would be.

Mother...

He sees Julia beside him, laughing as she bumbles through a song on banjo. He wants to cry but it hurts his whole abdomen; he remembers Paul -- Paul, who won't cry as he sits with John and Julia, staying strong like he has always done, guitar firmly in his hand. He will handle John's death just like that. He will be strong. But John doesn't want to see his face when he hears the news; he never wants to see Paul torn apart again. John wants to see Paul's face as it is right now, happy in the last hours of their lives together. He wants to hear his voice and his guitar... I love you, he wants to tell him -- I'm sorry -- and he wants one more chance to play together just like before...

Fading fast. With all the attention he is putting to his memories he has hardly registered entering the hospital and how time is speeding up and lagging intermittently -- all the while he waits to hear his mother's voice, and Yoko's and Mimi's and Paul's echo from farther and farther away...

He is leaving like his mother did. He is leaving behind such beautiful boys. Dear Sean, who he couldn't wait to see growing up, and poor Julian, who never got to hear his daddy's goodnights; who is from another life with Cyn and with the guys in the wild times all those years ago.

He will never make sixty-four, he realises uselessly, mind starting to jumble. A stab of pain stops his giggle. Of course not. He finds that he is more ready than he thought he'd be, too. John closes his eyes.

And then, so clearly, as if the world is mirroring his thoughts (he is convinced this is not happening all in his jumbled head, for once), Paul's voice breaks through. John knows the song, and he tries to follow and to find the chords with his fingers as the old band takes off, but he is falling behind... He listens closely; it hurtles away, softer, softer...

\---------

The date is 8 December 1980. We are in New York City. John Lennon is dead.

**Author's Note:**

> In loving memory:  
JOHN LENNON, 9 October 1940 - 8 December 1980
> 
> The song: 'All My Loving'.


End file.
